By Andy Frombolton

Dedicated Eurovision fans will, of course, recognise the opening lines of the UK’s second-placed 1977 entry which perfectly sum up England’s current WAshes predicament.

But should anyone really be surprised at how badly the team has performed? Prompted by an observation by Melissa Story on the Storylines podcast regarding the difference between most England players’ performances against Australia and their performances against all other teams, I decided to delve into the data.

The results make for grim reading.

There are just 2 instances where a player’s batting performance against Australia is superior to their performances against all other teams: Dunkley in T20s and NS-B in ODIs. At the other end of the scale, Jones’s averages are 50% worse in both short formats. (Bouchier has obviously had a very tough first WAshes tour, but I don’t think these figures reflect her potential.)

	Age	Format		Mat	Inns	NO	Runs	HS	Ave	% DIFF	SR	% DIFF
Knight	34	T20	All ex Aus	97	86	25	1787	108*	29.30		122
			vs Aus	32	29	4	435	78	17.40	59%	113	93%
		ODI	All ex Aus	116	109	24	3090	106	36.35		73
			vs Aus	33	33	3	947	88*	31.56	87%	69	94%
Dunkley	26	T20	All ex Aus	55	44	8	792	61	22.00		117
			vs Aus	9	8	1	194	59	27.71	126%	138	118%
		ODI	All ex Aus	27	25	2	709	107	30.83		85
			vs Aus	7	7	0	80	28	11.42	37%	62	72%
NS-B	33	T20	All ex Aus	101	97	24	2232	82	30.58		121
			vs Aus	31	29	4	557	68*	22.28	73%	107	89%
		ODI	All ex Aus	89	77	13	2698		42.16		98
			vs Aus	26	25	6	1113	148*	58.57	139%	87	89%
Jones	31	T20	All ex Aus	98	78	16	1431	89	23.08		128
			vs Aus	19	17	3	161	40*	11.50	50%	88	68%
		ODI	All ex Aus	80	65	9	1892	94	33.79		86
			vs Aus	17	16	1	245	47*	16.33	48%	66	76%
Wyatt	33	T20	All ex Aus	131	113	11	2446	124	23.98		130
			vs Aus	39	36	3	744	100	22.54	94%	127	98%
		ODI	All ex Aus	96	80	14	1729	129	26.20		91
			vs Aus	22	21	0	309	43	14.71	56%	76	83%
Beaumont	33	T20	All ex Aus	88	73	9	1630	116	25.47		111
			vs Aus	16	15	2	229	58*	17.61	69%	96	86%
		ODI	All ex Aus	108	98	12	3635	168*	42.27		76
			vs Aus	19	19	0	639	114	33.63	80%	75	99%
Bouchier	26	T20	All ex Aus	41	35	6	709	91	24.45		123
			vs Aus	3	2	0	13	13	6.50	27%	81	66%
		ODI	All ex Aus	14	12	2	456		45.60		110
			vs Aus	3	3	0	26	17	8.66	19%	70	64%
Ecclestone		T20	All ex Aus	76	30	22	209	33*	26.13		133
			vs Aus	20	10	1	76	22	8.44	32%	112	84%
		ODI	All ex Aus	56	33	10	267	33	11.61		76
			vs Aus	16	16	3	110	32*	8.46	73%	57	76%
Capsey		T20	All ex Aus	34	32	3	647	67*	22.31		117
			vs Aus	4	4	0	60	46	15.00	67%	146	125%
		ODI	All ex Aus	17	11	2	218	44	24.22		79
			vs Aus	6	6	0	65	40	10.83	45%	59	75%
Dean	20	T20	All ex Aus	33	11	3	133	34	16.63		112
			vs Aus	6	3	1	5	2*	2.50	15%	56	50%
		ODI	All ex Aus	33	18	6	302	47*	25.17		69
			vs Aus	7	7	1	57	21	9.50	38%	62	90%
Kemp	19	T20	All ex Aus	22	13	6	129	51*	18.43		129
			vs Aus	3	2	1	16	11*	16.00	87%	133	103%

On the bowling front, only Capsey (in ODIs, and based on a small data set) improves her stats against Australia. But the absolute stand-out figures are Ecclestone’s. If Ecclestone is the #1 bowler in both T20 and ODI formats according to the ICC (and similarly Glenn is the #6 T20 bowler) this neatly illustrates Mark Twain’s observation that there are three types of lie: lies, damn lies and statistics.

	Age			Mat	Bwld	Overs	Mdns	Runs	Wkts	Ave	% DIFF	Econ	% DIFF	SR	% DIFF
NSB	33	t20	All ex Aus	101	90	249.5	3	1569	70	22.41		6.3		21
			vs Aus	31	27	67.1	0	527	20	26.35	118%	7.8	125%	20	94%
		ODI	All ex Aus	89	76	409	34	1646	59	27.90		4.0		42
			vs Aus	26	24	149.2	2	825	20	41.25	148%	5.5	137%	45	108%
Bell	24	t20	All ex Aus	24	24	82.2	0	558	31	18.00		6.8		16
			vs Aus	5	5	19	0	178	6	29.66	165%	9.4	138%	19	119%
		ODI	All ex Aus	13	13	101.2	2	520	22	23.64		5.1		28
			vs Aus	6	6	53.3	1	316	12	26.33	111%	5.9	115%	27	97%
Ecclestone	25	t20	All ex Aus	76	76	281.4	9	1569	112	14.01		5.6		15
			vs Aus	20	19	73.4	1	520	25	20.80	148%	7.1	127%	18	117%
		ODI	All ex Aus	56	55	494.4	67	1678	99	16.95		3.4		30
			vs Aus	16	16	151.2	7	707	21	33.66	199%	4.7	138%	43	144%
Filer	24	t20	All ex Aus	7	7	25	0	166	5	33.20		6.6		30
			vs Aus	1	1	2	0	21	0	–		10.5	158%	–
		ODI	All ex Aus	12	12	73.5	4	353	20	17.65		4.8		22
			vs Aus	3	3	24	0	141	4	35.25	200%	5.9	123%	36	163%
Dean	24	t20	All ex Aus	33	33	114	1	774	44	17.59		6.8		16
			vs Aus	6	5	19	0	150	6	25.00	142%	7.9	116%	19	122%
		ODI	All ex Aus	33	32	275.3	14	1238	66	18.76		4.5		25
			vs Aus	7	7	41.5	1	240	5	48.00	256%	5.7	128%	50	200%
Glenn	25	t20	All ex Aus	63	61	210.2	3	1187	80	14.84		5.6		16
			vs Aus	9	8	28	0	247	9	27.44	185%	8.8	156%	19	118%
		ODI	All ex Aus	15	15	106.1	6	440	18	24.44		4.1		35
			vs Aus	2	2	16	1	86	2	43.00	176%	5.4	130%	48	136%
Capsey	20	t20	All ex Aus	34	10	17	0	108	5	21.60		6.4		20
			vs Aus	4	2	5	0	39	1	39.00	181%	7.8	123%	30	147%
		ODI	All ex Aus	17	6	25	2	119	4	29.75		4.8		38
			vs Aus	6	5	22	2	96	4	24.00	81%	4.4	92%	33	88%
Kemp	19	t20	All ex Aus	22	18	46	0	362	18	20.11		7.9		15
			vs Aus	3	3	8	0	65	3	21.66	108%	8.1	103%	16	104%

Jon Lewis is copping a lot of flak for the team’s performance – although his hands are constrained, firstly, because he’s obliged to pick any team primarily from the centrally-contracted squad (otherwise why have they got contracts?) and, secondly, there aren’t many oven-ready replacements available.

We need to be honest. This cohort has repeatedly demonstrated the zenith of its capabilities i.e. it can beat most opposition (but, to honest, so could the top 3 regional/Tier 1 teams), but against Australia and in T20 and ODI World Cups (and the Commonwealth Games) they have repeatedly fallen short.

No one calling for Lewis to lose his job has explained how anyone else could extract better performances in these circumstances.

At some point soon, therefore, we need to move on from many of the current squad. But timing will always be an issue. Should it be now after the WAshes – with the (potentially-increased) risk of an early exit from this October’s World Cup? Or before the 2026 T20 World Cup (being held here in England). Because we haven’t prepared adequately for the next generation, what should have been a phased transition might need to be a cull. 

So, what’s the answer? For that, I’ll turn to the next two lines of the referenced Eurovision song: “Remedy? Why don’t we rub it out and start it again?”

In the business world when answers and solutions are hard to identify, a proven technique is to define the desired end state and then work backwards to the status quo. Applying this methodology…

1. The ECB announce the goal is to win the 2026 T20 World Cup in England. (Or Olympic Gold in 2028?)

Fans will accept hiccups along the way if they know what the goal is and understand why changes are being made.

2. The ECB should confirm its confidence in Jon Lewis as coach.  Much fun has been made of one poorly-phrased comment, but he’s a great coach, inspires loyalty and, frankly, has done well with the situation he inherited.

3. Identify the players to deliver this goal – and back them.

Not picking centrally-contracted players would obviously attract criticism, and the ECB should learn from this and reduce the number of central contracts awarded for the next few years. It would be better to award a small number of central contracts to a core of players with proven credentials, plus development contracts to a larger group.

We simply won’t win a World Cup until our fielding improves, and consequently (unless an individual is truly world class in one other discipline) they shouldn’t be picked unless their fielding meets international standards. (In domestic cricket, Katie George and Alice Monaghan routinely demonstrate what’s possible.)

Here’s my T20 team:

1. K Bryce (I’m assuming cash triumphs over loyalty to country) or Seren Smale (if not)
2. M Bouchier (captain)
3. D Perrin
4. B Heath (wk)
5. NS-B 
6. A Capsey (but only if she bowls more – if not, Wyatt-Hodge)
7. F Kemp 
8. D Gibson / C Dean (depends if wicket is turning)
9. R MacDonald-Gay
10. H Baker / D Gregory (whoever develops best in next season)
11. M Gaur / L Filer

Yes, I know I’ve omitted S Ecclestone. Firstly, I refer you back to her stats. In addition, her batting simply hasn’t developed and her fielding is poor (although she openly remonstrates with fielders who drop catches off her bowling). In the long term, there are other options who would have a more positive impact on team morale.

(I’ll propose my ODI team in my next article. But as a taster, it will feature several different personnel and a split captaincy.)

4. An A squad comprising these players needs to be established within the next few weeks, thereby these players know they are potentially seen as part of England’s future plans. 

5. Until we play slow/spin better we will never win consistently. This A squad therefore needs to go on a long tour to the Indian subcontinent / Sri Lanka this Spring (and next spring), and play tens of games against (men’s) teams. I know not everyone likes this idea, but realistically it is the only way to ensure high quality opposition. (You don’t improve by playing weaker teams.)

6. The A team should also play several games against visiting international opponents (also giving visitors the opportunity to test their fringe players).

7. AND finally, there needs to be a series of England vs England A games in the early season allowing the challengers to demonstrate why they should be picked for England and the incumbents to prove they deserve their places.